Coyotes before dawn

I woke up at 4:30 a.m. today, Tuesday, November 7. I wasn’t sure why. I was tired yesterday. I’ve been working out in this little gym where I live, but due to a trip way out of town, I couldn’t get more exercise than helping load a horse trailer with wood and unloading it. There must have been six cords worth. So, lots of carrying wood to the trailer, up and down, stacking it, and back and forth and back and forth, etc. My workouts are usually more intense than that. I had been doing much less hiking in the mountains than usual and gave up the running I’d done for three years after my heart attack. I had been getting soft. Some muscles were feeling flabby, and I kept putting on fat. So I spent this last summer working out, something I’d never done before. It is working. I feel better, have lost some excess fat, and have more energy. Three days ago I hit the gym again, and it felt good – I had lots of energy and did more than I had been doing. Yesterday I went at it again, but it was much harder to get into it. I felt sluggish and had to force myself to keep going. I would have taken a short nap, but I had things to do. By the time I finished all that I had to do, it was 9 p.m. and I was exhausted. I still didn’t get to bed until nearly 11 p.m., so I thought I’d sleep like a baby.

But, about 5 minutes ago, I found out what had aroused me from my much-needed sleep – a pack of coyotes was yipping and carrying on very close to the house I rent. It’s right next to an irrigation ditch, and there is much wildlife in the area. I heard a young coyote’s yips in with the others. They weren’t really howling those long, keening wails. They sounded more like they were interested in something, not hunting, but perhaps greeting some other coyotes. No growling or snarls, just really short abbreviated howls and lots of yips, that I thought sounded like they were having fun. There were quite a few of them out there. I’m glad I wasn’t on the other side of that fence. They might have found a lone human more interesting. But, 4:30 a.m? Come on, coyotes. Move along!

I’m up now, wide awake. I’ve so much to do, for a retired guy. I’ve been becoming an actor. I started years ago. I’ve taken so many acting classes. I’ve been a background actor on perhaps 200 movies and TV shows. I’ve acted in local, non-paid shorts. In fact, I was in one of those on Sunday, for a web series. I had a few funny lines to give, interacting with the title character. The other people there laughed spontaneously, and that was incorporated into the scene. It is a comedy, after all. I was really happy to get some laughs. The hasn’t been much to do, due to the screenwriter’s strike, and then the never-ending actor’s strike, but I’m not in the union, and there are exceptions for things like commercials and independent work. Still, it’s not much.

So, my acting coach teaches a lot of classes and decided to put on a showcase. Rather than shooting something, we will perform on a small stage – my agent and at least a couple of local casting directors might be there. I am studying a Harold Pinter play. It’s funny, with lots of wordplay. But, that’s not all, as the late-night commercials always say. We also have an ensemble piece to perform, and I have a long soliloquy to memorize, in addition to the Pinter play. We will rehearse all next Monday. Since it’s not film, we will have to deal with blocking and props, and we will be using more stage-like voices than film requires – quite the opposite of what we have been doing as movie and TV actors. It is exciting, but I’ve found my anxiety rising. I’ve been waiting a long time to show people what I can do. Now’s my chance.

Last night was one of the scene-study classes that I attend. Everyone was there, and together, we did about seven scenes for the upcoming showcase. I missed that last class because of my trip, so I found that the other students, many of whom are much younger, had forged ahead of where I am now. They performed their scenes well, showing great memorization skills. Our coach/director added blocking, and we discussed props and costumes. I was not yet off-book on either of my scenes. The second scene, the whole class ensemble piece, I had only received by email while I was away, and I have only read it so far. The showcase is approaching like a storm on the horizon, and I am feeling anxious. I just popped one of my blood pressure pills. I hadn’t taken them for a while, since I love grapefruits and grapefruit juice. The combination with my medication can have bad side effects. In actuality, grapefruit juice alone has a blood-pressure-lowering effect. But, until this showcase is a done deal, I’m going to take my pills. I’m hoping they will also help with my growing anxiety.

Don’t misunderstand me – I love acting. I did a little stage work in high school and in the 1980s, and there are the short films I’ve been a part of in the last nine years. I loved being on set either as an extra or with a speaking part. I had so much fun the other day on that web series short. It’s what I want to do more than anything now. For me, there is nothing more satisfying than performing, except perhaps seeing my name in the credits. There’s a certain amount of vanity required to want to be an actor, after all. Perhaps it’s more like a need for approval. Even at my age, I find I still want that. This may be a make-or-break moment for me. I know I can do it, and I am certainly not going to run away. “Just breathe,” I tell myself. “Relax. Calm down.” No distractions! No TV. No movies. No novels. No pop songs.

Focus. I really need to focus when I’m learning a role. But my scene partner! She’s so gorgeous and fun to be with I could howl at the moon.